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Do's and Don'ts: Grief Support for Loss of a Child

January 26, 2017

Ways to Help Those Who Have Suffered The Loss of a Child

Does this sound familiar? A family member, friend, or acquaintance has lost a child and you don't know what to say or do to help the mourners. It is a hard time for everyone and you find yourself scared of saying or doing the wrong thing. Even sadder is when your fear drives you into silence and you say and do nothing at all.

Please read from our collection of Do's and Don'ts and learn what you can say and can do to support a grieving parent or child. These mourners need all the support they can get so for all their sakes, please read on.

Reprinted with Permission from www.BabySteps.com  
“The BabySteps Children’s Fund is a non-profit organization offering information and support to bereaved parents and children suffering the loss of a child. BabySteps is named after the baby steps that form the long and difficult road to recovery from the loss of a child.”

 

Do's Don'ts

DO Allow them to express as much grief as they are able and are willing to share with you.

DO allow them to express as much unhappiness as they are feeling and willing to share with you.

DO allow them to talk about their loss as much and as often as they want to.

DO be available. to listen, to run errands, to help with the other children, or whatever else seems needed at the time.

DO deal with the grieving individual gently and positively.

DO encourage them to be patient with themselves and not to expect too much of themselves.

DO encourage them to not impose any “shoulds” or “I should be” on themselves.

DO give special attention to the child's brothers and sisters at the funeral and in the months to come (they are often in need of attention which their parents may not be able to give).

DO let your genuine concern and caring show.

DO offer specific help such as running errands, helping complete tax or medical forms, or helping to go through their loved one’s belonging.

DO offer to be a friend.

DO recognize that grieving has no time limit and varies from individual to individual both in the way they express their grief and the time required to stabilize.

DO talk about your memories of the deceased child and the special qualities that made the child endearing.

DO tell the family how sorry you are about the child’s death and about the pain they must be feeling.

DO Acknowledge the death through visits, phone calls, sympathy cards, donations, and flowers.

DO Remember important days such as birthdays, the death anniversary, Mother's Day, Father's Day, and any other significant day, which may be difficult for the bereaved. A telephone call, visit, or card means a great deal to a bereaved parent.

DO Make specific offers to help, i.e.
i. I am going to the store. What do you need?
ii. Can I take your kids on Sunday afternoon?
i. On Thursday I will be bringing by dinner for the family.
ii. I will take your child to skating lessons on Sunday.
iii. Can I come and baby-sit tomorrow evening to give you a break.
iv. Do you want to get out tonight to talk, walk, or both.

DO Offer to take the children to schools, birthday parties, and extra-curricular programs.

DO Immediately following the loss, take charge of the household and inform family and friends of the tragedy, help answer the phone, help dress and feed the children (if applicable), and set up a meal plan.

DO Call. Call often.

DO When you call the bereaved, ask, "How are you doing today?"

DO Appreciate that your bereaved relative or friend doesn't always return phone calls right away.

DO Appreciate that nothing you say will ever make the bereaved parent sadder than the reality of what has happened to their child.

DO Talk in your natural tone of voice.

DO Remember that when you phone, even if it is to only leave a message, the bereaved feel comforted by your efforts.

DO Tell the bereaved family how much you care.

DO Remember it is usually the simple little things you say or do that mean so much.

DO Listen.

DO Continue to support bereaved parents well beyond the acute mourning period, even if it means years..

DO Congratulate the bereaved on good news while appreciating that they still carry a tremendous burden of grief.

DO Find local support through bereavement groups, church, synagogue, bereavement organizations and forward the information to the bereaved family.

DO Be sensitive that being in the presence of other children of similar age to the deceased may make the bereaved parent uncomfortable.

DO Give the bereaved time to resume the activities they participated in before their loss.

DO Know that effort of any kind is appreciated.

DO Learn how to give good hugs. The bereaved need every heartfelt hug they can get.

DO Expect your relationship with the bereaved to change. When you are bereaved, every relationship is affected in one way or another.

DO Share your own good news with the bereaved. They still want to hear it.

DO Say any of the following:
i. Call me at any time if you ever need to talk.
ii. I can't begin to imagine how you feel.
iii. I am so sorry for your loss.

DO Feed and walk the dog who has probably been forgotten about.

DO Talk to your children about the loss.

DO Talk to your children about death and the rituals surrounding death.

DO Find the right time and the right materials to broach the discussion of loss and bereavement with your children.

DO Consult with your libraries and bookstores for bereavement reading materials for children.

DO Provide your surviving children with a picture of the departed child as a cherished momento.

DO Give children the option to attend the funeral.

DO Give children the option of visiting at the cemetery.

DON’T avoid mentioning their loss or the child's name out of fear of reminding them of their pain (they haven't forgotten it!).

DON’T change the subject when they mention their dead child.

DON’T tell them what they should feel or do.

DON'T avoid the bereaved parents because you are uncomfortable (being avoided by friends adds pain to an already painful experience.)

 

DON'T let your friends, family or co-workers grieve alone. There is a tremendous sense of isolation and abandonment during the grief process. You can help by caring, by being there, and by being the best friend you can.

DON'T make any comments which in any way suggest that their loss was their fault.

DON’T point out that at least they have their other children (children are not interchangeable; they can not replace each other).

DON'T say "Your loved one is waiting for you over there," "God wanted him," "It was God's will," or "God knows best."

DON'T say “you can always have another child.”

DON'T say “you should be coping or feeling better by now” or anything else which may seem judgmental about their progress in grieving.

DON'T say that you know how they feel (unless you've experienced their loss yourself you probably don't know how they feel).

DON'T suggest that they should be grateful for their other children. Grief over the loss of one child does not discount the parents’ love and appreciation of their living children.

DON'T tell them not to cry. It hurts us to see them cry and makes us sad. But, by telling them not to cry, we are trying to take their grief away.

DON'T tell them what they should feel or do.

DON'T try to find something positive (e.g. a moral lesson, closer family ties, etc.) about the loss.

DON’T Allow your own fears from preventing you from offering support to the bereaved.

DON’T Fear that bringing up the dead child's name will create sadness.

DON’T Say, "If you need anything call me" because the bereaved don't always know how to call and ask for your support.

DON’T Be afraid if you make your bereaved friend or relative cry.

DON’T Think that good news (family wedding, pregnancy, job promotion, etc.) cancels out grief.

DON’T Have expectations for what bereaved parents should or should not be doing at different times in their grief.

DON’T Forget the overlooked mourners (grandparents, uncles, aunt's, close friends etc.) who need your support too.

DON’T Force bereaved people to talk about their loss. They will engage you when the time is right.

DON’T Find yourself saying any of the following:
i. It was God's will.
ii. It was meant to be.
iii. He's in a better place now.
iv. Time heals all wounds.
v. I know just how you feel.
vi. You are still young enough to have more children.
vii. Are you not over it yet?
viii. At least you have other children.
ix. Your child is in a better place.
x. It was for the best.
xi. Now you will have an angel in heaven.
xii. It could have been worse...
xiii. It's been ______ amount of time and you have to get on with your life.

DON’T Expect grieving parents to be strong and don't compliment them if they seem to be strong.

DON’T Tell a grieving parent how they should feel.

DON’T Be afraid of reminding the parents about the child. They haven't forgotten.

DON’T Be afraid to cry or laugh in front of the bereaved.

DON’T Assume that when a grieving parent is laughing, they are over anything or grieving any less.

DON’T Wait until you know the perfect thing to say. Just say whatever is in your heart or say nothing at all. Sometimes just being there is comfort enough.

DON’T Underestimate the impact of grief on children. Children understand and retain a lot more than they may show.

DON’T Think that children are too young to appreciate loss or death.



 




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Engraving Information

My Forever Child Keepsake Jewelry and Memorial Remembrance Gifts

All of our personalized and engraved jewelry is crafted right in our own studio by a skilled engraving professional. Each piece is individually configured to ensure that your specific inscription is produced in the best way possible.

Engraving Information:
Please take note of the number of allowable characters (which includes spaces and punctuation) that can be engraved listed in the product description. In some cases we can compress the letters if the wording is a couple of characters over the specified limit.
We reserve the right to change the font and the layout you selected for the best possible fit on the piece.

Engraving Fonts Available:

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Machine Engraved Block font in all capital letters. On larger pieces, it will be a filled double line block (first picture). On smaller pieces, it will be a single line block (second picture). The first letter in the word will be larger than the rest of the letters in the word (second picture), unless you type your personalization request in all capital letters (first picture).

Cursive Single Line Engraving Font
Machine Engraved Single Line Cursive font in capital and lower case letters.

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Machine Engraved Filled Roman font in capital and lower case letters.

Script Single Line Engraving Font
Machine Engraved Single Line Script font in capital and lower case letters.

Hand Stamped Engraving Font
Hand Stamped lettering in all capital letters, for a handcrafted artisan look. This style is only available on select items. Please note that the hand stamped lettering is not intended to look "perfect". Variations in letter placement, spacing, and depth of the letters are to be expected. This engraving is done with small steel alphabet tools and are hammered deeply into the silver, which is atop a steel block. The opposite side of the piece may have marr marks from the engraving process. Extra polishing is done to reduce the visibility of the marks.

Monograms:
Monograms are the classic way to personalize items. The initial of the first name is on the left, the initial of the last name is in the center in a larger size, and initial of the middle name is on the right. If you are doing a monogram of married couple, the initial of the husband's first name is on the left, the initial of the couple's last name is in the center in a larger size, and the initial of the wife's first name is on the right. We offer four beautiful Monogram styles: Interlocking Script, Roman, Circle Block, and Fancy Script.

We have several Monogram jewelry pieces. However If you wish to have a monogram on a jewelry piece that does not have the Monogram option (ex. on the back of a custom handprint-footprint pendant), please contact us with your request prior to placing your order. Monograms take up a large area of space on the piece, and may not be available on all our items. 

Monogram Styles: Interlocking Script, Roman, Circle Block, Fancy Script

 

Special Engraving:
~If you would like a HEART shaped icon, please use a pound symbol # in the engraving field, example: Always In My #
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~We can engrave in other languages!

Please input the exact way the engraving should read in your online order and also in a separate email to confirm your special personalization. 

*There is a $10 labor charge per item for engraving in these languages, your credit card will be charged the difference after your order is placed.
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Items that are personalized/engraved for you are not returnable or refundable, unless there is an error on our part. Engraved pieces are generally not able to be fixed and must be completely remade, which requires new material and labor. Please double check all spelling and dates prior to submitting your order. You will also receive an email with your order confirmation. It is your responsibility to check the accuracy of the personalization and details of your order. If you realize that there is an error, please contact us ASAP to see if we are able to halt production and correct the error. If you had submitted incorrect information for your order, and we had already engraved your item, you will be required to pay a charge for the reworking of the piece, plus the return postage back to you. Please email us for a price quote.

About our Engravables:
Sterling silver is a relatively soft metal which scratches easily during normal wear. Please note that sterling silver WILL scratch if it rubs against harder materials such as crystals, keys, stone and metal surfaces. This is normal and to be expected.

Each of our engraved items is polished a minimum of 4 different ways to reduce surface scratches. Some items may appear to have scratches or dings. These cannot be polished out, as they are part of the metal itself and enhance the character of the individual handcrafted piece. Sterling silver will take on a patina of it's own, developing numerous small scratches, with normal wear. Each of our engraved pieces is protectively wrapped to avoid damage during shipping.

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Sterling Silver Engravable Pendant Shapes and Sizes

14K Gold Engravable Charms & Pendant Shapes and Sizes